I feel much better now. I’m not sad anymore. I feel a bit guilty coz I’m not sad even when I broke the heart of the person who once I loved so much. I know I had to do it… I couldn’t keep playing with his feelings. It was the right choice… painful but right.

Last days I was about to write him or call him but what can I say?. I do care for him and I would like to  know if he is ok. If I suffer I can’t imagine who he feels . Because, to be honest the world is really colder now. I have woken up thinking about him feeling cold. But, the Sunday night I dreamt about Ernst.. so strange.

I don’t miss my love so much coz we have been away for so long. It feels like if nothing has happened and I still wish I will receive a email or an text message from him, but I know I won’t. We have been away (I’m not talking about distance) for so long that I feel this time is just one of those many times where I had not news from him.  The difference now  it’s that we wont be together again. Dammit, I closed that chapter in such an awful way. I don’t know if this was the time to finished all. I don’t know where my love vanished.

I ‘m talking to a friend now and I cried. We had so many dreams but somewhere in the way .. we got lost. I cant even remember him a lot… I remember something.. when we first met, he made me a tomato soup when I was sick!!! It didn’t matter that it was an instant soup, it was delicious!!!! His kitchen was a mess. I remember when he was sleeping, the present he gave me for my birthday. I remember the last time I saw him… I couldn’t stop crying …he was sad.. but he didn’t cry…he always had to be a strong boy.

I’m so sorry. I never valued how important you were for me. I never really cared. I lived my life without you. But there were moments when I was really sure about my love for you…. I imagined my life with you… but I never felt I was what you were looking for. That’s why everything finished.

OMG!! I still care about him.. should I try to contact him? or I should give him time to get better. I know it was the best decision but I never wanted to hurt him. I think that if I didn’t tell him the truth later it would be even more painful. Shit!!! I want him back!!! No, no, no. I can’t be so selfish to want him with me when I don’t love him now. Forgive me… my heart…….

My classes suck… I think about him sometimes and get lost. But I also think about what will I do now? My dreams vanished with him. Maybe I was a coward to follow my dreams with him, maybe we are not mean to be together. Maybe we are…. Who knows.

My experience job, classes, and heart problems make me tired.