I have just read through my blog and found out that my posts are too often sad. But that gives a wrong impression of me and my life credo. 
I tried to remember something funny. That was not difficult at all. Weird accidents accompany me everywhere I go. 
I have a strange habit – when I get too tired and need to be alone for a while, I lock up in the bathroom, sit on the floor and listen to loud music through earphones. So… one day… My family was at home and after I had done a million things about the house and played a million games with my son I felt so exhausted that hid in the bathroom, turned Nightwish on and tried to relax. The music banged in my ears… I closed my eyes… Suddenly somebody began to shake me. I was so scared that didn’t understand at once where I was. As it turned out, I had fallen asleep and my husband had waited for half an hour or so and then knocked at the bathroom door. No answer. Scared, he broke the lock and there I was lying peacefully on the floor O.o So he began to shake me. Happy end. Curtains down. ))
Another accident happened to me when I went to the gym. You see, I always lose keys… and many other things )) Haha. I had my training hour, then went to the changing room. I always go to the sauna there – to warm my muscles a little. I put all the clothes into the locker having only a towel on. After sauna I found out I had NO KEY from my cabinet O.o. I looked for it everywhere – in the sauna, in the changing room – there was NO key. OMG. The only thing to do was to descend on the first floor and ask for another key. There was no soul in the changing room. Nobody to ask for help. What could I do? I went downstairs… hahaha. Well, some of my dresses are actually shorter than that towel was… but imagine… A red faced girl with wet and messy hair and only a towel on in the hall of a sports club… Hahaha… Everyone was staring at me. But what’s more than that… the girl at the reception gave me a duplicate key and went back with me… and she FOUND MY key in the SAUNA. Yep… that’s me. 
I often make people around me laugh. My friends say I am a sort of a train wreck. LOL So, if you don’t want your train to wreck, never take me with you )))

My life is getting weird again. I guess that the problem may lie in myself. It is not normal that people I communicate with begin to feel something more than just friendly disposal. I have a choice… we always have a choice. One salvation is to stay away from everybody except my family. The second solution is to let people feel what they want and just to never care. I cannot open up even a little. I can hide in the net chatting – leaving the real world with real feelings far behind. There I can honestly say what I think or just be constantly kidding. It helps to a certain extent. But in reality the situation is different. You cannot just ignore someone or kid all the time. And to stay far from everyone is hard. Then I can change my behavior. But that means I am going lose my own inner world, my personality. On the one hand, this personality is too much liked (sorry if I sound Narcissus), on the other hand, this personality makes me the wife I am, the mother I am and the woman I am. To betray my inner angel and daemon? No way. I am 27 years old but sometimes I feel I am as silly as only little girls can be. My husband always says I care too much about things I shouldn’t care about, that I am too emotional over them. He thinks that only the closest people (meaning him and our son) deserve it. But I am unable to close my eyes when I see I hurt someone. I used to have a very good friend. We shared our ideas and feelings… I could tell him anything and I knew he would understand me. Our friendship lasted for 8 years and then he suddenly told me he loved me as a woman, not as a friend. But… OMG imagine what I felt. I never wanted to lose him. I could never be with him. We couldn’t be real friends any longer now that I knew… I tried to… but he began to be insistent. He followed me everywhere, telling me he was the one to always be by my side, to understand me and to love me. He waited for me near my working place. He phoned me every day. He went to the gym I went to. And he wanted more… What was my mistake??? What had I done wrong? I had to make him go away… I even had to be cruel. No one can imagine how painful it was. I still feel tears in my eyes when I remember that. What’s even more awful, he was my husband’s friend as well. And I couldn’t tell my hubbie what our friend was doing. I just told him he had done something bad and I didn’t want to see him any longer. I am lucky my husband is not curious and trusts me. He says he doesn’t need any friends coz he has me. But I am different. I do need a friend. But each time I do feel pain. It’s sad, so sad. I would tell a friend what I am feeling now instead of writing it in the blog. I would cry and my friend would quietly sit near or would give me a piece of advice. We could talk about life… friendship… about fairy tales and weird songs I like to listen to. We would discuss the latest fashion in handbags or some new video games or argue about a new movie. We would shout at each other and then try to be the first to say “I am sorry”. We would make my husband laugh pulling faces at each other. We would sit together on the windowsill feeding pigeons. Oh how many things we WOULD do. You may ask why don’t you do that with your husband… but that’s different. And he is so often away  He also wants me to have a friend, but… but. But. I am sorry for being such an idiot today. I thought I would feel better if I wrote this… I am feeling worse. 

I haven’t been to my blog for ages. I even grew another year older )) All this time I have been trying to find out some more about people around me and around the world. Or perhaps I should say around the worlds… Each of us is the creator and the martyr of his own personal world. We can live a million lives and die a thousand times… Oh no – I am being too philosophic again ))
Yesterday my friends and I took part in a trivia game. On our way there I said jokingly, Either I will prove that women can be both beautiful and intelligent, or I will prove we can be either beautiful or intelligent. Haha. Actually women mustn’t show how smart they can be, or many men who seem to like them will just run away :-P The game was fun, on Sunday we’re going to have the continuation.
I decided I don’t want to be alone. I am married and love my husband madly, but when he is not with me I am dying… feeling so lonely. My kid helps to overcome this feeling in the evenings, but since I mostly work at home, it seems ages before this blessed evening comes. So I made up my mind to have friends again – let them fall in love, let them hate me, let them lie in my face – I don’t care… I just won’t let anyone come too closely. And I always have shelter to run away to ) That’s it. We’ll see if I am doing right.

Loneliness is wonderful, but there always must be someone you can tell how wonderful loneliness is ))


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Today I went for a walk as usual… along the embankment – near the Volga-river. The sun was shining brightly, everything around was so green, blossoming and full of life. Couples and single people were walking nearby – the first holding each other’s hands, the second holding their breath when they saw some attractive opposite-sex person ))) Not a single cloud in the sky… Not a single cloud in people’s eyes… Not a single cloud in my soul. Suddenly I saw a small bird on the ground under my feet. It was a swift. It was beating its wings upon the ground trying to fly… but it couldn’t. Something was wrong with it. It – I’d rather call this bird “he” – he understood he was unable to fly and tried to find some place to hide… but there was only hot asphalt and some bricks – left by the workers repairing the road… and a deal, a great deal of moving feet. People saw the poor bird but paid little attention to it. Perhaps they thought he was ill and were afraid. I took the little swift in my hands. At first it began to break out, but I started speaking to him explaining I wouldn’t do him any harm, I was just trying to help. And again I was surprised how quickly living beings feel the voice, the emotions. The bird calmed down and nestled against my palm… I looked into the sad black eyes and saw a big hole in the bird’s throat… What could I do??? No place to take him to… no medicine to give him… nothing at all. He was dying… and everything around stayed the same – bright, sunny, joyful… alive. And indifferent. I know that every day hundreds of little birds die in a cat’s claws or somewhere else, but this time I had to face death – so little… and still so tremendous. The bird looked at me as if asking for something. I could take him to my tiny flat where he could not see his native sky and sun… I knew it was wrong. I found a tall tree full of green leaves and put the swift on a wide branch among them. He wanted to stay in my hands – I saw it and nearly changed my mind, but then he looked around and nestled on the tree. In a moment he closed his eyes and was asleep, breathing hard. I knew perfectly he couldn’t eat with that hole in the throat, but I put a small berry near him… I had to do it. It was time to go… but I waited for an hour or so looking at him, checking if he was breathing. If only I could create a miracle – a big miracle for a little bird… But I am not a magician ((( And I left the place, hoping that magicians exist and one of them would help the swift. Life went on – the river, the trees, the sun, the people… but no little bird.
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