This was a poem I wrote on June 29th, 1998.  I thought I would resurrect some as I inspired myself to write more. DEJA VU Those eyes, the hair, the lips... So familiar. The voice, the walk, the kiss... I remember... The letters, the calls, the dates... But from where? Do I know you from somewhere? Why do you make me want you more? Touch me in that way I so recognize. I thought no one else could Touch me like that. Say those romantic words That I yearn to hear. No one else could Read my mind before. Love me hungrily As if you’ve never loved before. I could find no one else Who knew all my weaknesses. How do I know you Especially when we just met? How could we understand one another Without murmuring a word? I find you so luscious and sweet. The more I taste you, The more I crave you, and The more I dream of you. You are a wonder to me; I am filled with awe. I’m dying for your arms, I’m thirsting for your kiss. You are the man of my dreams, No wonder....   A lot of the poems I wrote between 1998 and 2002 were very bitter, melancholy, somber.  As I'm sitting here now trying to recall, I don't really know why except that I was transitioning from one school to the next and during that span, I had three different relationships.  One was just ending, one barely existed, and the third just beginning.   I didn't write much after that.  It seemed that pain, more than happiness, inspires me to write poetry.  Tragic, really.  It's too bad.  I know there were moments in my life that were well worth writing about... that I never did.  I suppose we can all claim that at some point.  I decided to post Deja Vu because it was cute...  It wasn't written too long after I had broken up with a boyfriend I had seen for nearly two years.  He was my first kiss, which I'm actually happier to forget.  Deja Vu wasn't about him... and to be honest, I don't think it was about anyone in particular.  The following was a poem I wrote a year later, and I liked it for its passion.  It was written on March 15th, 1999. CLARINET MAN Clarinet Man, Play me a song. Let me hear you Beat...by...beat. Show me a melody Only you can sing. Give me the will To feel your vibe. Sing, Dance, Feel, Hurt. Hypnotize me, Make me rise. Taunt me so Like you do. Turn down the lights, Let your music glow So that I can see Your softer side.... Softer, Dimmer, Faster, Harder. Bind me fast, Like you bind reeds. Touch me gently, Like you feel the keys. Grasp me tightly, Like you hold the neck. Kiss me passionately, Like you kiss the mouthpiece. Move me Like you Move music, Clarinet Man   This one was inspired by the second guy, but the poem itself wasn't about him.  I guess even in my youth I was trying to harness the feelings that I had.  Feelings that I was trying to understand.  This last poem was written before the third relationship began.  It wasn't about him either but about the way I love.  This one was written on March 4th, 2000.  I seemed to like to write in the spring. HANDS My child, I will be there When you take your first step. If you fall, I will catch you. If you cry, I will hold you. But know it need not be now For one day, you will walk. So do not be discouraged, Be determined, little one, and try! Your hand will never be empty Until you are ready to be. If you are ever scared, Reach out and squeeze tight. My hand is always outstretched For you.

  I have no right to discuss integrity... but I hope to redeem myself. (Boo, I had started this passage on time, but I didn't post it until after the date change ; ;). Integrity was a value that I grew up with, and I learned about it from my algebra teacher in junior high. He had the word Integrity hanging high on the wall along with a saying, "I am what I think you think I am." According to Dictionary.com -   in·teg·ri·ty /ɪnˈtɛgrɪti/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-teg-ri-tee]    –noun 1. Adherence to mor.al and ethical principles; soundness of mor.al character; honesty.   Integrity means a lot to me. It always had been. It was like acknowledging my conscience and heeding to what was right vs wrong, good vs bad. My mom was a great model of integrity too. After we would go shopping for groceries, she would always glance over the receipt to make sure everything was correct, as far as getting the discount she shopped for and whatnot. She was also an honest person. Sometimes the clerk would make an error in her favor, and she would walk back to the checkstand to refund the money.   When I watch people literally take what isn't theirs, I feel sad and defeated for humanity, but all I need to do is think of my mom. I was walking down a flight of stairs today thinking about her when I happened across garbage littered on the steps. I stooped down and picked up crumpled balls of paper and emptied snack packs. The nearest garbage was in our office, but I didn't mind having to wait until then. Every time I pass by litter on the ground and don't pick it up, I feel ashamed of myself for letting it be. I usually try to pick things up if I'm not already encu.mbered.   Whenever I see garbage on the ground, I always think of one of my friends from back home. She was a well-loved person, so real and so funny. She and I participated in the same graduate program a few years back. I remember a particular day when she, I, and a couple of other friends were just walking along the road laughing and talking. There was garbage nearby and without skipping a beat nor breaking her stride, she bent to pick up the garbage while still laughing and talking. It was such a slight and gentle gesture, but I was moved by it ever since. I know I've been guilty of passing up trash, but I have learned that valuable lesson. Thank you, Friend.   I was thinking about integrity today because I was disappointed about a coworker and an interesting situation. He was trying to tell me that he somehow got $800 deposited to his bank account. He didn't think it was his. In fact, he was planning on buying an $800 guitar, but usually when you buy something, you don't gain the money. Anyway I encouraged him to let his bank know if he thinks it was a mistake, but instead he said he wasn't going to do anything because he wanted to see if the bank would catch it. I was stunned to hear him say that. He said it was their mistake, not his. I told him that if the money wasn't his then he should be honest about it. He then replied that he wouldn't spend it. So what? Just leave dirty money swimming in your account for a while? I was so sad to witness this in a colleague. Am I being too self-righteous to think that he should return the money if it isn't his? Should we pretend it was a gift from God? I couldn't do that.   Honesty is very precious. I can feel myself filled with so much doubt dealing with people. I wish I could have more faith in others and hope that they too could appreciate and respect honesty. It is so refreshing to meet real people. Real, honest to goodness, salt of the earth people. I think that we all are looking for that too. But if you think about it, to find honest people, you also must be honest. I just finished watching the movie Meet the Fockers, and it was more painful to watch than it was funny. I did enjoy the movie, but the humor was more caustic and shocking than ha ha funny. This movie was a good example of integrity. Basically the fiancee's father had this "Circle of Trust" you must belong to in order to be in his good graces. The funny thing is that he was a former CIA agent and so would constantly run back ground checks, DNA tests, and use intimidation to obtain knowledge. The irony is obvious. "Trust no one for there is no such thing as integrity anymore." I've even read in the newspaper about people actually "googling" a potential date to find things out about the other person. Isn't that what dating is supposed to be? Getting to know each other by asking questions? Maybe they want to dig up skeletons. Maybe they don't believe what the other person says. Rather than be open and honest anymore, we hide in secrecy, lurking among shadows to satisfy our lust for knowledge. It really makes me sad. I don't think it's too late to learn about integrity, but I hope that others are helping each other by being examples of it. Integrity is underrated. I wish we could see more of it.

  I remember when we were kids, watching Pop & Rock, Disney's version of MTV + karaoke.  We would sing these contemporary songs... we would consider them old, but some people might think of them as their type of music.  Some of the songs included Dancing Machine (by Jackson 5?) and Two Left Feet and Ain't No Mountain High Enough.  There was the song It Keeps You Running streaming along the cartoon of the tortoise and the hare.  Amusing things like that.  Pop & Rock, one of our favorites, was one of the things I watched after the Blair Witch Project and I had to turn the video off because it had trees in it.

  Anyway I really like seeing the words, even on movies.  I like subtitles.  I don't know, it's hard for me to listen to the music and listen to the words all at once and mesh them together.  Maybe that's why I like karaoke too, although you'd have to give me a drink or two before I would actually go up in front of everyone and embarrass myself like that.  For some people they hear the words first and from there, they decide whether they like the song or not.  For me it's about the music, the tune, the beat, the melody, the harmony, the ear candy.  So the words kind of fade away until I reach a point where I can actually listen to them.
  So I have a hard time remembering lyrics.  I know some people who can quote phrases verbatim.  Me?  Well, I might be able to summarize and I might remember snippets.  It's harder now after having gone through Grave's Disease.  So something I often do is make up my own words to songs.  As close to the song as I can remember, but twist it so that it's funny or makes sense to me.  Like The Rolling Stones' Brown Sugar.  The chorus, I can't remember the exact words for the life of me, so I would sing something like, "Brown Sugar, just like your mama told you," which of course are not the lyrics at all, but that's what I think.  People correct me or make fun of me all the time, but it's all in fun.  It's probably why I'll never be able to write music.  Can't remember my own words.

  My sister is guilty of that too.  I remember in elementary school when her grade put together a program related to the 1950's sock hop and one of the songs was It's My Party, and I Can Cry If I Want To.  My sister insisted that the words went, "It's my party, and I can cry for Machu."  I asked her, "Who's Machu?"  She goes, "I don't know, it's my party, so I can cry for Machu.  I don't question it!"  Maybe this is actually a hereditary disease.  We all suffer from Lyrical Dysfunction.

  I think that's why I enjoyed listening to Seal when I was in middle school.  He never put his lyrics in those CD coverlets for a reason.  He claimed that he wanted people to hear what they want to hear because it is probably better than what he actually sang.  He didn't want to pop the illusion.  It was an interesting explanation.  Knowing that I suffer from Lyrical Dysfunction, I actually wanted to know what he was saying since he mumbles sometimes, but it's because he makes his words flow nicely with the music.  I listen for the music anyway so it doesn't bother me.  I had a hard time with A Kiss from a Rose, but it's such a pretty song.  I just listen.  For kicks, I'm going to write down what I can recall the song saying.  I know it's wrong, but just so you can listen with me.  Whatever the heck it means?  Beats me.  People liked this song despite not understanding the story behind it.  I often like to know the story behind songs, what inspired its creation for music is art and art is inspired. 

  There used to be a graying time we're alone on a sea.  You became the light on the dark side of me.  Love remained a drug lasting high enough to feel.  But did you know that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.  Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grave.  Oooh the more I get of you, the stranger it feels yeah.  Now that your rose is in bloom, a light hits the gloom on the grave.

 I'm almost done with my second class.  I'm happy about that because I'm not really into business, and I was distracted pretty easily.  At least it's almost over though my next class is something similar.  Yay.  We'll see how it turns out when I mix work in with that as well.

  It's the day of the week some call Hump Day, the day that signifies that you are halfway through the week.  What was first an uphill battle can now roll down hill from there.  I like to call it Midweek Crisis day for similar reasons.  Because it's during the middle of the week that you realize you have to meet all of these deadlines, and so you scramble to get everything done. 

  I believe that a lot of things that happen to us in life are created by premeditation, self-fulfilling prophecies.  So I basically doom myself to freaking out every Wednesday.  Why?  Because it will be at that time that it dawns on me that I need to have something completed within two days or that I have less time now to prepare for a project or whatnot.  DOOM I tell you!  Sure you can try to convince yourself that it won't be so bad, but those are just words.  What you're really thinking is - I hope that by thinking things won't be so bad, that it won't be so bad but I think it's going to be bad.  DOOM.  There you go.

  I don't know.  It doesn't exactly work like that of course.  Life is too unpredictable because there are way too many variables to control to be able to safely determine the outcome of chance.  We live in a world based on cause and effect, and yet some effects have many causes or a cause can spurn many other effects.  How can you control for that?  You don't.  You can only experience what you experience, therefore you will not be able to experience every possible outcome, only speculate.  I remember reading that to worry is truly a waste of time and energy because nothing fruitful comes from worrying.  It just causes you to be anxious and to cause yourself stress.  If you do nothing with this worry, like using it as a catalyst to get you to improve, then you're just wasting your time and energy sitting there worrying and getting nothing done. 

  So long story short?  Carpe Diem as they used to say.  Seize the day in all its finery.  We can only live once, and we can only live now.  You can live the straight and narrow, the best life possible that you can make for yourself.  You can live on the edge, the most exciting life you can imagine.  You can live with a mix of both, but the bottom line is to live, as best as you can and experience life for what it is worth.