Thank God yesterday my relationship with my father had improved. I have been telling myself to learn toleration and I hope that I will keep up the good work.

It is sad not to treat our family members nicely, regretful even. We don't get to choose them and it's not that we will be with them forever. For me who believes in reincarnation, we have them in this life and we should appreciate them as they are. With this belief, I hope so much to treat everyone in my family as they should be treated, with respect and love.

<!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0cm; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:612.0pt 792.0pt; margin:72.0pt 90.0pt 72.0pt 90.0pt; mso-header-margin:35.4pt; mso-footer-margin:35.4pt; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} -->

I have a damned serious problem. My father has been diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. The best option was to undergo surgery. After surgery and back home, I find that we have a lot of communication gap. It’s only him and I in the house and it’s not easy to stay in the same house with another person if the communication does not flow or you find that the other person is always on the wrong wavelength. Moreover, he’s a stubborn man who likes to act his own way without listening to people’s advice. In the last few weeks, I was under heavy pressure staying with him. Day in and day out I have to face him. Whatever topic and simple conversation we engage in creates stress to me. He does not understand my explanation and often has his own interpretation/speculation. That is not too bad as I can accept that he’s not from my generation.

 

Today unfortunately, I develop some hatred towards him because the long period of staying under the same roof with him has backfired. I dislike his characters who likes to control. He tried to control my mom and inserted his ego upon her. She could stand him out of love for him. However, as a daughter, I do not have the patience to endure that and I often argue with him on many things, even the tiniest one. The need to prevail in him brings out the worst in me. I had been in constant stress lately.

 

Today’s incident is a very simple and straightforward event. I found out that my office is organizing a dinner tonight. I called back to ask him if he’s cooked. It was a simple question “Have you cooked the dishes for today?” He answered yes but my sister called me back and explained that he has not cooked and informed me I should buy my own lunch. When I got back home, he told me he didn’t find the need to cook because there were some ingredients missing. He thought I wanted him to cook regardless of missing ingredients or not. That was not the point I called him. I wanted to stop him from cooking so that we do not waste food. I realized he has a very different perception of things particularly from everybody else. The doctor advised him to eat little but often so that his food intake can be increased while at the same time his digestion would not create problems. He blamed the doctor after eating a big portion of meal by saying that the doctor asked him to eat a lot. Sometimes I hate talking with him knowing anyway that he has such weird interpretation of people’s words and ideas.

 

I keep having pressure and how I hate even being close to him. Communication is really so vitally important. Without communication, stress is more likely to occur especially for those living under the same roof. I hope my hatred is temporary and I am still trying to find ways to avoid feeling so low whenever I have to be at home. I want to SHOUT OUT!!!!! Yikeeeeeessss  ~~

I had been sick since Tuesday, starting with cold, cough, fever. Fever is now gone but I still have blocked nose and slight cough. I got scared, thinking perhaps I had been infected with AH1N1 virus. Doctor didn't say so, I am safe. Tomorrow is Monday. I feel so heavy thinking of Monday. It could be a sign am growing bored again with my job and it's not even a year yet!! I have told myself that I'd stay in this job and quitting is not an option. I need to stay ON! I am a hard to please person, having a job and yet complaining so much. Deep inside, I remind myself to appreciate everything I have. Mood is not helping though. Am a bit down and the thought of going to work on Monday is not appealing at all.

Being any living creature in this material world is hard. Material world is a place of suffering. Even as a human being, we suffer.

My last entry was in April. I had stopped writing perhaps due to loss of interest. I gave myself the excuse of being busy but I know it's just an excuse. My love life continues to be real last month. This month, everything goes back to normal or abnormal, depending on how I see the whole situation. Some sparks of the initial romance have fallen off, but I believe the feelings are as strong. Being involved for whole 7 years has its impact especially if I ever think of starting anything new. Nah, am not geared up to that challenge, not to mention what other feelings that might trigger. Let me stay in the cuddle of comfort and familiarity.

The sadness comes and goes but I also feel great to have back my usual life of habits, work, hanging around at home, laziness, relaxation and routine.  I even miss it ... I miss the stability and sweet familiarity of knowing what to do on which days.

It's gonna be a bit busy this month as boss is pushing everyone to do his/her part in organising a big event in December. Three months away, I wouldn't say it's very near but when one has to prepare so many things, three months is really too short. Thus, we all have to work work and keep working. This event is on a global platform, any mistake will have bitter repercussion on our institution and of course on my boss. Small details are vital and how I hate that. It's like being a super alert accountant, being aware of every minute detail. Now I understand why I never chose to study accounting. Ahhhhh, yes I don't have the patience to study details ... eeeeeeeeeewwww

Today is my offday!! Yayyyyyy, but I plan to compile the whole process of administrative work in organising this big upcoming event as guidelines for future reference, to make my life easier at least ... I hope!

The taiwanese is a friend of my friend.  My friend told me bout her story while we were chatting online.  This Taiwanese girl falls in love with a Spanish man and they both love to draw.  In fact, they are working together for some kinda project maybe, am not sure.  Due to the distance, she travelled to meet him the first time and subsequently she also visited him 3 times.  As this is just a story told by a third person, am not sure what happens exactly.  It was said that the Spanish already has a girlfriend in Spain but he was being ambiguous bout this point when the Taiwanese asked him.  Moreover, she likes him too much, the feelings are always so strong, which was why she cannot forget him even knowing that he has a girlfriend and he lies.  They both claim to be friends but things went beyond friendship.  Perhaps he does not want to be committed to someone from such a far country although he likes her too.  Whatever it is, it must be painful loving someone who is not truthful to you and although you know that, you cannot pull yourself away.