Tonight, at this moment, I think：How was the feeling when Jesus burdened the cross? How he felt when he was dying? I respect him, he had courage to die for the great belief and most of his believers, even he was given so many excruciation, he never gave up till died and regenerated...

I feel that my cross is so heavy and I can't burden anymore...

I want to act like a samurai, but my weakness heart beats me...

I want to think like a philosopher, but the more things I think, the more pain I get...

I want to live like an artist, but I can't foresee my future...

Well, cos it's impossible for my family to read this article, so I want to write here first：

If there is one day in future, I can act like a echt samurai, even bleed for my life, please don't be sad for me, I know in this world only three of you will cry for me, but three of you should be happy if I can go back to heaven, be together with grandpa and grandma, it will be great.(I just want to write something to beforehand the impossible day comes, but is it impossible? Who knows...maybe God...)

Die for something meaningful...die at the perfect time, it's would be one of my dreams. And it will be great for such kind of person like me to do that...

I will act like a samurai, think like a philosopher, and live like an artist, till I find who I am, or the day comes...

 

Well, it seems that I totally forget this blog...

No, I don't forget, but I have a though：if I have time to write something here to complain my distressful life, then why not go to do some more things and find a way to change it？ So from now I don't want to care about my blog so much, I will write less article and concentrate on something important in my life. And now I have a goal, maybe I have to do something for myself, my family, but all of these are for one person...the person I send messages every day, the person I miss every hour, the person I would like to make a phone call every week, the person I want to do everything with...I don't know what will happen in future, but now I just want to live for this goal, even it's a unreal dream, I...would like to try...

I want to thanks for those people who usually come to visit my blog, thanks for your coming and support~

 

Is it possible? Spend my whole life to love a girl? I start to wonder. Even she doesn't love me anymore, but should I change my mind? Not only I can't forget her, but also I can't change my type so easily. I always think, how wonderful if I am robot, then I don't have any feelings, and don't have so much emotions...

I always do the wrong things, and do the things wrong.

I hate myself.

What kind of man just want to live for someone not for himself?

A silly and stupid man.

I hate myself.

I am not afraid to lose myself, but I always lose something and someone.

I hate myself.

I want to keep and maintain something and someone, but I have no abilities and talent.

I hate myself.

I need time to wake up from this dream...

主耶穌啊，請您將我從永無止境的自私情感中解放，請讓我免於承受相思之苦的煎熬，我已決定，無論兩年後我們能否在一起，我真心祈禱她能獲得屬於她的幸福，縱使將來我會因她的離去而哀傷難過，請將這種痛苦的深度給予我，快樂和喜悅則長駐在她心中。我願意為她承受一切的苦和難，請讓我代她承受。這樣的禱告，奉主耶穌的名祈求，阿們。

我會時時刻刻懷著一顆守護妳的心，等待妳‧‧‧

 

Recent days I felt confused and worried, and I couldn't calm my heart when I ate, slept, and worked. I have much things to worry, most of them are not my problems, but now it becomes mine, cos I find only me can deal these things, even my old brother can't do them... “If my grandpa is still alive, and has such kind of problems, what he will do?” I think about the answer of this question, cos he is a great man who has talent and smart brain to conduct his company, but after he closed it and died, look what he leave to his daughters? I really don't know what he mind...it's about time for me to take responsibility and burden things I never burdened, everyone around me told me, “you should care about yourself more”, yeah, I know, but I can't just watch problems come and don't do anything, my heart beats me and my brain pushes me to face them, and I can't stop them do it to me...

After my grandpa died, I got nothing but an old black jacket, he is a great man, but I am not, guess what I got another thing from him? Lonely, both of us are lonely guys, he has many daughters, but he didn't trust them, and I don't be trust by the people know me...so funny, this is a little bit common of us...

I can't just talk my problems to the people who are around me, even I want, some of them may not listen to me...even they may listen, I can't let them worry about me.

I am the one who should be lonely.

 There is a demon in my heart, all the time. It tries to convince me how to do this and how to do that, but I pretend to hear nothing from it. I feel confused and uncomfortable when it tries to control my life, my personal mind and though, I even feel angry when it totally successes to get me. “To be a playboy is much easier for you~” “She is not good for you, dump her~” “You are so weakness, cos you always stand at other people's view points to think about things you don't know..., you always considerate other people, and look what you get? Nothing...NOTHING~!!” “Shut up, I say SHUT UP~!! I know what I am doing~!!”

Am I sick? I don't know...maybe I am just too lonely, and let the daemon born from my heart...I try to be a better man, but the daemon tries to stop me...

I have to against I.

身心俱疲...我真的很累...
天真地以為找到只要找到這輩子和我相愛的人，寂寞、孤單和痛苦便會和我漸行漸遠，我似乎錯了...真愛這條路遠比想像地來的崎嶇不平，才剛踏上此路的我便覺有苦難言，我很認真地在看待這段愛情，但對方呢？老實說，我真的猜不透她的心...她無法和我分享她的生活，我認為這是我們之間最大的問題，甚至到了有點無法溝通的地步，我真不曉得該如何作，才能拉近我們之間的距離...有時我甚至有種被欺騙的感覺。如果她也是認真的，我想我們可以共同克服這些問題；如果她只是想玩玩，或許長痛不如短痛...
我還是很累。

因為流淚的人總是我。

Earth can't turn me out, cos you make me fly
Rain can't fall into my heart, cos you are my cover
A little coffee, a little sugar
Crazy for you all night, like a "Skyswalker"
Leave you a second like a whole year
Can't help myself to be a day dreamer
Wanna stick right there if I'm a "Space Jumper"
Five fingers interlock five fingers
We'll fall into sweet surrendor forever

Love is a thing that...sometimes makes us don't have peace of mind...I don't know if just me have such kind of feeling, but recent days I was worried about my parents' future and my future, and one thing happend---some tax payment from my grandpa and grrandma was received by my mother, and the total is pretty much...now, we have to worried about how to share this payment with other heir apparents...life is so much things have to worried, and when can I "Clear the clouds and see the sun"...?

After these days, we know we have the same feelings, I don't know why you want to hide yours, but I believe your true heart, I won't leave you alone anymore~!! Maybe one day, after you go back to Kenya, I will wait there for you...but it's just a beginning... My love, my princess, please take care, your beauty is my wish, your smiling will be my wings, I want to fly into your heart, until you get beatitude...if you don't mind I go to meet you, I want to save my money from this moment, prepare some plans...I love you, you are always in my heart, each second...

If there is a reason makes me think this world is meaningful for me to stay, then it must be you, my Princess. You give me your love, make me feel I am not a lonely person anymore, your do care about me when I am happy or sad. Although how girls on TV are pretty, how girls on streets are hot, they don't have the same eyes as yours, they don't have the same soul as yours, I can feel and scene them. Please, let me be your lover, let me be yours. If you cry, I will feel sad with you, if you smile, I will feel happy with you. I love you.
I want to thanks for God, you took two angels(my grandfa and grandma) from me, and send me another one.

屋簷演奏著滴答滴答的小雨進行曲，屋內浴室的蓮蓬頭漱漱地沖打在地上的水聲，卻還
是蓋不過失意的歎息聲。他時而張望天花板，時而低頭流淚，時而掩面低吼，像是要吞
食自己的沮喪似地，借以減少責怪自己的理由。如果有某位藝術家創作了一件雕塑，名
為「弱者的嘴臉」或「失敗者的肖像」，勢必像他倚靠在牆角，任由高掛的蓮蓬頭胡亂
沖洗身體的狼狽模樣如出一轍。「弱者...」「失敗者...哈哈」「外加...失意者」他
不斷地責怪自己，為何連最愛自己的人都為他而痛苦、傷心？為何當初不能為她付出更
多的關懷和疼愛？為何總是把自己推向黑暗的深淵之後，才看清楚事情的真相是如此簡
單、易懂？他恨不得找個人把自己給殺了，不管自己受到多麼嚴重的傷害都無所謂，只
要自己心愛的人得到幸福便滿足了。但事實並非如此，這儼然已成為雙輸的局面...

從臉上溢出的，是雨水，洗澡水，汗水，還是淚水...已經分不清了...

If you do like me, want to love me, why you refused me to be your boy?  Why you hide your true feeling?  I should try to understand your reason of declinature, I should remember, there was a time you sang Rihanna's song to me, so lovely and heat-stirring, I always remembered, there was a time you left the message say you love me, and your personal state...yes, I tried to check all details about you each time when I were online, the most stupid thing I did was: I thought you not love me anymore after refusing me, so I put myself into a deep hole, tried to forget you...but I just couldn't.  It was not finished yet, my princess, we do care each other, and I have so many words want to tell you, please come back again, I won't turn off my computer, I will wait for you all the time.

重金屬樂打擊著殘腦
猶如螺旋槳迴轉著思考
當夜幕低垂，都市叢林的狼開始哀嚎
寶馬騎士以極速向風問好
漫無目的地尋找幸福的天堂鳥
我的心靈總是被襟錮在荒島
期待另一場天荒地老
如果真愛是如此地虛無縹緲
我寧願選擇孤獨一生，逃避煩惱
如果真愛是如此地虛無縹緲
我寧願選擇孤獨一生，逃避煩惱

雲中的火向天邊蔓延
燒亮了晚霞橘紅的眼
錯誤的開始寫下結局的無言
你我命中註定往相反的平行道
最近的終點又是何處的起點？
在波濤洶湧的海上尋尋覓覓
佇立於黑暗中的愛情燈塔
如果真愛是如此地水火無常
我寧願選擇流浪一生，切斷苦惱
如果真愛是如此地水火無常
我寧願選擇流浪一生，切斷苦惱

單向的出征之旅，始於摯愛的祝福
旅途的終點，是冥府的饗宴
金黃色的麥田，那夕陽的餘暉
帶來殉國亡靈的信使
項鍊傳達英雄王最後的遺願
"記得我們，記住那勝利的一刻"

五月亡靈的輕聲呢喃
遠方笛鳴悠悠地附和
訴說王室淒美的悲劇
相同的土地，不同的歷史
相同的血脈，不同的年代
從錯誤中學習千萬次
再從學習中犯錯千萬次
"你為何而活？"
每天，我都會思考一次。

濃霧密雲---天空略帶幾分哀傷的妝，
藍色憂鬱的表層下，藏著灰色的迷惘
天使的雕像從眼瞼下剝落，漆的碎片
是否受到神的感召？
夜轉日的旋律，每一次地
在瀕死邊緣，徘徊、掙扎
直到夢醒時分
我抹去自己的分身
又開始輪迴的一天
*****************************

私は自分を忘れてしまうことを試みたくて、ただ神の音だけに従います...

Do you know how much tears I drop just for you, B-P?  Of course you don't know.  The most ridiculous thing is, I couldn't wait to recognize you deeply, then love you. During a period I tried to forget you, not cared about you when you were online, I tried to be your normal friend, but I just couldn't.  I knew I can't control myself to love you, at first I knew it's impossible for us, we lived so far, even could not have chance to date, but I still want to try, I swear I miss you every day, never stop. We live in different worlds, you are probably from rich family, have 

parents of high social position, have better education than me, but I am just a poor guy, what kind of poor guy could be a freak? A guy has nothing, and a freak should be alone. Each time I missed you, I took your potriat I sketched, watched and touched it, imaged that I was touching your face...God, before you refused me, miss you was the most happy thing I did everyday, but now it becomes the most sad thing. Love was never disappeared, but just ignored. Now I really don't know how to face you when you are online, but I don't want to just escape, I hope you can find my true heart, answer my request again. My heart is empty, there is always space for you.

Window is reflected the shape of loser,
He sits as an alive, sensitive sensor,
It is spring, but he senses it like winter.
The silent home is cold, but his mother needs a doctor,
Her insane behavior makes he feel like a heart breaker,
"Live in a freezer is much better."
"Where is my love?"  He didn't have a warm lover,
He requests Azrael to circle his name as a marker.

Well, my dear Death, I am just a miserable loser, why don't you take my soul...?

I found Jesus leave me an invisible key,

To unlock the Gate of Rich.

Treasure was not money but more than it meant,

”Pray as you can then you will see.”

The words on the stone told me do like this,

So I kneed down for a piece of peace.

”Only selfless love is the real thing,

When the Kingdom comes all belong to the King.”

So many people live in this world feel sad, suffer and get pain, each time we just had the situation we didn't want to have, but we still had to face. “Every dog has its day”, if someone is reading this article who gets pain and feels sad, please find an positive outlet for the negative emotion, you guys should know a sense, “Where is the shadow, where is the light,” it's better for you not to put yourself into darkness like me.

Before moved out from the old apartment, I promised my mother to give up my dream---to be an illustrator first, then study and learn more hard to be an art designer, gave up all above and went to be a security guard, but I just can't. Each time I tried to give it up and watched the sketch I draw, I knew I would regret the wrong decision. Life of a person is related to other people, nobody could be alive alone absolutely(except Robinson). But...I am used to be lonely, sometimes I am desirous to have an intimate friend and a girlfriend, but I am pretty afraid I will lose them after we get close. My mother married to my father not just for love, because of my grandfather's opinion, simply to say, this is a marriage of convenience. So many years passed, their married life was not bliss, now they are still unhappy. So I decide to make decisions by myself as far as possible, not my parents or other people, even it is the wrong decision. I can lie other people about my dreams, but I just can't lie myself. My future is blurred to see, but I want to follow my heart, move forward, try to care about this world, not just myself.